The sugar-monster must die...

I think i may have done it.

I'm a sugar addict. Now that i know the symptoms, i think i always have been.

I've been in a constant state of dieting and weight gain for years. The two shouldn't go hand in hand, but they do, at least for me. I worked out. I counted calories. And i always failed. I'd watch what i ate, i'd choose healthy foods in healthy portion sizes. It would last just fine until about 8pm. Then, the monster took over. I cannot count the number of nights i would rampage through the kitchen looking for anything or everything, because i was hungry. I cannot count the number of things i gorged on that i don't even like. I can remember night after night of sitting there, looking at myself eating something, and saying (sometimes out loud), "I don't really want this, I don't even like this, why am i eating it", and I literally could not stop myself. Not didn't want to stop... couldn't.

There will be all kinds of people who will tell me that the answer to all my struggles was to just put the fork down. Those people would be right. If I could have done so, i would have. There were nights that i cried as i ate, because i wasn't actually hungry, didn't even like what i was eating, and while every fiber in my mind was saying "stop", my body just kept on going. When it comes to happiness, fulfillment, and self worth, being fat is bad enough. To be fully aware of what you're doing to your body, and your health, and the way it's going to make you feel, and yet be powerless to stop yourself.. I don't know that there's any worse feeling out there. You hate yourself with every bite, and yet you keep on eating.

It's the hardest struggle i've ever faced in my life, but i think i may be winning. Two years ago, the boyfriend started CrossFit, and began to try to eat a paleo diet. I resisted, i mocked, and cooked separate meals. About a year ago, i gave in, and started joining him for meals, keeping breads and grains out of the house, and cutting back on the sugar. I thought that I was doing him a favor. I never realized i'd be saving myself in the process.

I started cutting back on starches. It was gradual, so i never really realized it at the time, but the more i cut back on starches, the fewer nights i spent with my head in an ice cream carton. As i began to cut out other sugars, i spent fewer nights hating myself because i couldn't stay out of the pantry. It wasn't until a miracle happened that i even realized what happened. Thanksgiving came. I said no to pie.

It wasn't because i was trying to watch what i ate, or trying to deprive myself of something. I wasn't even paying attention, the pie came around, and without even thinking, i passed on it. I wasn't interested.


The more i think about the way that the last year has gone, the more i see exactly what was happening. Hind sight is 20/20 after all...

I was a slave to sugar. I didn't binge eat because i was weak, or stupid, or any of the million other hurtful things i told myself. I binge ate, because I'm an addict, and i was going through withdrawal. I ate things i don't even like, because i was physically experiencing sugar withdrawal, and my body didn't know how to cope. I'd been using starches and sugars as my body's energy source for so long, that it didn't know how to use anything else. When i would diet, and sugar levels ran low, my body would panic. That panic would cause me to eat anything i could get my hands on, in quantities that would amaze you. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't starving. I wasn't going to die. But, I also wasn't stupid, or weak. I was battling my own body for control.

It's taken me a year to do it, but i have finally taken control of my body. It's been one of the toughest fights I've ever fought, but i think i may be winning. The next step, take back control of my life.

I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mrs. Rosemary and Sage Stuffing.

As a complete side note, mostly for my own use... One of my favorite holidays is thanksgiving. I think it's the gluttony. I LOVE stuffing, dressing, whatever you want to call that bready stuff you cram in the turkey's ass, then pull back out and slather in gravy. Because i'm making an effort to avoid grains, i started looking around for different recipes so that i could attempt a paleo friendly stuffing. I found tons of recipes that had no bread-like objects at all, which defeats the purpose entirely. I found a half dozen or so more recipes that involved a huge list of ingredients, most of which i either have never used, never heard of, or once bought for use in stuffing, would go to waste because i'd never use them again. Then i hit on this one: Rosemary Sage Stuffing


It doesn't take a whole lot of extra stuff. The ingredients list is fairly short. The only thing i didnt already have at home were the eggs (i ate them all, omelette's are tasty). The bread was fairly quick to mix up. I tossed it in the oven, and my house smelled like heaven for hours. Then, the moment of truth.

It looks like bread. It tastes like bread. It feels like bread. Therefore, it's a duck. (it doesnt float, nor is it made of wood, but work with me here...)

It's bread. Chopped up, mixed with sauteed onions, garlic, celery, carrots, and some sausage, drowned in chicken broth, and baked, and it makes a stuffing I'd be willing to marry.

Not only did it save my thanksgiving when covered in gravy, it's been my breakfast for the last week. The leftover stuffing went into a baking dish, i drowned it in more eggs, baked it and made a stuffing strata. I'm still drooling thinking about it.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen... sort of.

It's been almost 6 months since my last post here. I could claim that my life's just been so crazy, and hectic, and chaotic, that i couldnt possibly have found time. I would be a liar, liar, pants on fire.

I'm a quitter, by nature. Not necessarily because i don't actually want to do things, but more because when i take time off from things, i lack the motivation to pick them back up again. Sure, there was tons of stuff going on, and it made it more difficult to get started again, but the main issue was motivation.

Here's what my last 6 months looked like:

-A couple of new projects at work. My workload increased, and i had to start actually working at work, instead of blogging at work. Shocking, i know.
-Nice weather. I spend as much time as possible at a little cabin in the middle of nowhere. No phone, no internet, no television. It's bliss. I could have blogged, but i would much rather have been there, sorry.
-A vacation that left me relaxed, energized, and feeling better about myself than i have in a long time. This particular vacation did the exact same thing for me last year. I'm thinking it's going to be an annual thing, if i can swing the cash for it.

Sure, there was a lot more going on, but those three are the most important. They all contributed significantly towards the bettering of my quality of life, and my enjoyment of life. Yes, even the whole "actually working at work" part. When i'm busy, i feel like i'm accomplishing something. When i accomplish things, i feel that i'm a more valuable part of my little work team. Sitting around playing solitaire all day may sound like fun, but it's hard to go home at the end of the day and feel like you actually accomplished something worthwhile, when you didnt actually accomplish anything.

That job, which i now enjoy more, comes with a disgusting commute. I spend 4 hours of my day, every day, just getting to and from work. The only reason that my daily commute hasnt sucked out my soul is that i take the train. It allows me to read books, sleep, browse the internet, and more recently, read other people's paleo blogs. I read a lot. For a while there, i was on a fiction kick, so i'd read a book or two a day, during the commute. I'm kind of over that for now, it goes in spurts. So i'm back to internet browsing, in between naps, and that brings me back to some of my more favorite paleo blogs. Reading about other people's paleo journeys sort of puts the fire back in me to write about my own. Thus, the lost motivation is found, and i'm back. For now.

Spring!!!

Spring is here!

That means walks outside with the dogs, yardwork (which is great exercise), and the beginning of fresh seasonal fruits and veggies!

Right now it also means rain by the bucketfull, flooding, and more gloomy days than sunny ones. It's hard not to let the clouds and the rain get me down, but I'm beginning to come out of the winter funk, and I can't wait for beautful weather!

One of the things i've really been struggling with lately is motivation. I should exercise, but i have a thousand other things i either would rather be doing, or that have more pressing deadlines. I should take the time to cook a good healthy paleo meal, but takeout is faster. I've fallen out of some of the healthier habits i had started to develop because I lost track of just how important they are, not only to my health, but to my quality of life.

I think i'm starting to find that motivation again. On the few days it has not rained, it's been hot and muggy. Upper 70's, lower 80's, and humid. That's unusual for this early in the year, and i guess my body isnt used to the warmer weather yet. Lets face it, it's got me sweating like a pig. I walk to the train in the mornings, and then from the train to work, and then the reverse again at the end of the day. I see all the other commuters in their power suits, and their skirts and spring or summer dresses, and they don't even look flushed. Meanwhile, i'm sure that I'm about to melt.

I would love to be able to wear a skirt for summer. Not only would it help keep me cool for the walking part of my commute, but skirts are fun. They're cute. They're summery. I just don't have the confidence to pull them off.

But... I could. If i get myself back on track, get back to the workouts and the healthy eating, i might just be able to get away with them by the time the worst of the summer heat hits. A good pair of legs is possible... or at least a better pair than i have now. That won't do anything to change the fact that those legs are whiter than a sheet of paper, and that no amount of tanning will change that. But, a good pair of nylons can fix it.

So, for now, that's my motivation. It was good enough to get me to push myself for that extra lap on the treadmill last night. Here's to hoping it'll keep me pushing until my goal's in sight!

Skirts in the summertime...

My enemy, the treadmill.

We own a treadmill. The boyfriend bought it maybe 8 years ago. He used it regularly for several years, and then quit exercising altogether. Now he's got crossfit, and works out there about 4 times a week. The treadmill lives in my sewing room, for lack of anywhere else to put it. Every once in a while i decide that i'm going to start exercising more, and i dust the old beast off, plug it in, and make the attempt.

I hate the treadmill. I hate running. I'm slow, i'm out of shape, and it makes my knees and feet ache afterwards. I pound away, huffing and puffing, with sweat pouring down my face and a cramp in my side. After a few days of that, i say "screw this" and i quit. It's been that way for years.

Yesterday, i was a bit restless. Bedtime came, and i wasnt tired. I've discovered, through my once a week workout at crossfit, that i always sleep great on nights i've worked out. I still get the same amount of sleep as i would on other nights, but i sleep more deeply. So, since i couldnt sleep last night, and it was raining sheeps and llamas (think cats and dogs, but bigger, and more of them, it was once heck of a storm), i decided to pull out the old treadmill and stumble along on it until i was tired.

Apparently, i'm in better shape than i used to be. I used to be able to walk at around 2.5 or 3.0, but if i tried to jog at 4.5 or 5.0, i'd manage maybe half a lap before i was red in the face and huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf. I turned the treadmill up to 5.0 last night, and jogged a whole mile without sweating at all. I could have kept going, quite happily, if i hadn't had to be in bed as soon as possible. After a hot shower, i was in bed, and asleep in no time.

I'm tempted to hit the treadmill again tonight, only earlier, to see if i can either go longer, or do that same mile faster. Apparently, the treadmill isnt nearly as awful when you can breathe. I'm not about to take up marathon running or anything. But, exercise is definitely a lot more fun, or at least less miserable, when you're in good enough shape that it doesnt practically kill you.

I may not have lost any weight on this stupid monkey diet yet, but i am noticing that i can do things now that i never could have done before. That's something at least.

Grr...

It's been a few days since my last post, partly because i've been a bit frustrated lately with this whole paleo thing. When the boyfriend started it about a year and a half ago, the weight just melted off of him. I've been at it for about 4 months, and haven't lost a single pound. I'm hitting crossfit at least once a week, sometimes twice. I'm walking about 10 miles a week in addition to the crossfit. All that exercise is a new thing, and a total change from the carb loaded sedentary life i'd been living before. But, i've seen no change in my weight since I started this whole paleo thing. I feel better, which definitely counts for something. People have said that it looks like i've lost weight. But the scale shows no change, and it's a very frustrating, and some times depressing thing. I've made some big changes in my life, and so far i havent see any measurable change.

The boyfriend spent forever telling me about how going paleo was going to change my world. He swore that anyone could do it, and that it would work for everyone. I'm not seeing that being the case. He's sure that there must be something i'm doing wrong. Probably there is. I cheat. Sometimes there aren't paleo options available for meals, if i'm dining at someone else's house. Sometimes cookies still call to me. But, i've put in way more hard work than the cheating should be able to undo.

I'm going to keep at it, never fear. I may not be thinner, but i do still feel better. I'm happier, less stressed, and that's not only due to the change in what i'm eating, and the increased exercise levels, but to the fact that the boyfriend and i are getting a chance to eat meals together again, and have our date night at the gym. Maybe it's the paleo, maybe its a placebo effect, but either way, it's worth the sacrifices i make to enjoy the benefits i do see.

The jury's still out on whether or not this is something i can and will stick with as a lifestyle. But, for now, it's not hurting anything, and it may just help me yet.

Paleo Mayo - Sort of...

I had the time last night to go ahead and cook up my meals for the next few days. I don't have a chance to cook every night, so i cook in advance and then just pack leftovers for lunch. The boyfriend wanted shrimp, and i had that yummy bacon butter sitting in the fridge, calling to me, and the grocery store had asparagus on sale. So, i decided to toss the shrimp and the asparagus in a pan, along with a heaping spoonful of that bacon butter, and sautee it.

Delicious. Really. Even the boyfriend say "yeah, it's not bad". For a guy who's new to seafood, and still not real sure about it, that's high praise indeed.

Also on the agenda for the night was an attempt at paleo mayo. I had a craving for tuna salad. I was never a real big meat eater, so now that i'm eating meat at every meal, the same old beef and chicken is getting old. I wanted to shake things up a bit, and go with seafood for a while. Since i'm trying to stay paleo, a tuna salad sandwich was out of the question. But, I could make the tuna salad and then eat it on cucumber slices (instead of on crackers, which i had see in a cracker ad in the groucery coupon flyer). The only problem was that i didnt have any mayo.

I've never been a real big mayo fan. I was raised on Miracle Whip, not mayo. But, i eat ate my sandwiches dry, no condiments, so i never kept it in the house unless i knew i was making tuna salad (and even then, i'd use it once, and it would sit in the fridge until the expiration date). So, I decided to try my hand at making paleo mayo. I followed the instructions in Dr. Cordain's paleo cookbook (i forget the name right now). I did some extra reading online, and saw that you need to add the oil very slowly, because if you add it too fast , it wont emulsify.

I followed the instructions. I added the ingredients. I used the blender like it says in the book. I added the oil agonizingly slowly. I made a mess all over my countertop. In the end, all i had was a soupy mess that was bright yellow and definitely not mayonnaise, and a broken blender. Apparently, if you're in the habit of running the blender blades through the dishwasher, and then someone accidentally puts them away wet, and you have iron rich hard water like i do, the part of the blade that spins is eventually going to rust. When it rusts, and then you attempt to use the blender as much as i do, it rubs, the friction causes it to smoke, and eventually it builds up so much heat that things start melting.

So, no mayo, no tuna salad, and now it's time to go blender shopping. On a side note, i mentioned the mayo failure to a friend who's also trying to go paleo. She said she'd had the same soupy mess, and killed her blender in the process as well. Sounds like i'm going to be on the hunt for a commercially available paleo mayo. Any recommendations?