I think i may have done it.
I'm a sugar addict. Now that i know the symptoms, i think i always have been.
I've been in a constant state of dieting and weight gain for years. The two shouldn't go hand in hand, but they do, at least for me. I worked out. I counted calories. And i always failed. I'd watch what i ate, i'd choose healthy foods in healthy portion sizes. It would last just fine until about 8pm. Then, the monster took over. I cannot count the number of nights i would rampage through the kitchen looking for anything or everything, because i was hungry. I cannot count the number of things i gorged on that i don't even like. I can remember night after night of sitting there, looking at myself eating something, and saying (sometimes out loud), "I don't really want this, I don't even like this, why am i eating it", and I literally could not stop myself. Not didn't want to stop... couldn't.
There will be all kinds of people who will tell me that the answer to all my struggles was to just put the fork down. Those people would be right. If I could have done so, i would have. There were nights that i cried as i ate, because i wasn't actually hungry, didn't even like what i was eating, and while every fiber in my mind was saying "stop", my body just kept on going. When it comes to happiness, fulfillment, and self worth, being fat is bad enough. To be fully aware of what you're doing to your body, and your health, and the way it's going to make you feel, and yet be powerless to stop yourself.. I don't know that there's any worse feeling out there. You hate yourself with every bite, and yet you keep on eating.
It's the hardest struggle i've ever faced in my life, but i think i may be winning. Two years ago, the boyfriend started CrossFit, and began to try to eat a paleo diet. I resisted, i mocked, and cooked separate meals. About a year ago, i gave in, and started joining him for meals, keeping breads and grains out of the house, and cutting back on the sugar. I thought that I was doing him a favor. I never realized i'd be saving myself in the process.
I started cutting back on starches. It was gradual, so i never really realized it at the time, but the more i cut back on starches, the fewer nights i spent with my head in an ice cream carton. As i began to cut out other sugars, i spent fewer nights hating myself because i couldn't stay out of the pantry. It wasn't until a miracle happened that i even realized what happened. Thanksgiving came. I said no to pie.
It wasn't because i was trying to watch what i ate, or trying to deprive myself of something. I wasn't even paying attention, the pie came around, and without even thinking, i passed on it. I wasn't interested.
The more i think about the way that the last year has gone, the more i see exactly what was happening. Hind sight is 20/20 after all...
I was a slave to sugar. I didn't binge eat because i was weak, or stupid, or any of the million other hurtful things i told myself. I binge ate, because I'm an addict, and i was going through withdrawal. I ate things i don't even like, because i was physically experiencing sugar withdrawal, and my body didn't know how to cope. I'd been using starches and sugars as my body's energy source for so long, that it didn't know how to use anything else. When i would diet, and sugar levels ran low, my body would panic. That panic would cause me to eat anything i could get my hands on, in quantities that would amaze you. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't starving. I wasn't going to die. But, I also wasn't stupid, or weak. I was battling my own body for control.
It's taken me a year to do it, but i have finally taken control of my body. It's been one of the toughest fights I've ever fought, but i think i may be winning. The next step, take back control of my life.
