The sugar-monster must die...

I think i may have done it.

I'm a sugar addict. Now that i know the symptoms, i think i always have been.

I've been in a constant state of dieting and weight gain for years. The two shouldn't go hand in hand, but they do, at least for me. I worked out. I counted calories. And i always failed. I'd watch what i ate, i'd choose healthy foods in healthy portion sizes. It would last just fine until about 8pm. Then, the monster took over. I cannot count the number of nights i would rampage through the kitchen looking for anything or everything, because i was hungry. I cannot count the number of things i gorged on that i don't even like. I can remember night after night of sitting there, looking at myself eating something, and saying (sometimes out loud), "I don't really want this, I don't even like this, why am i eating it", and I literally could not stop myself. Not didn't want to stop... couldn't.

There will be all kinds of people who will tell me that the answer to all my struggles was to just put the fork down. Those people would be right. If I could have done so, i would have. There were nights that i cried as i ate, because i wasn't actually hungry, didn't even like what i was eating, and while every fiber in my mind was saying "stop", my body just kept on going. When it comes to happiness, fulfillment, and self worth, being fat is bad enough. To be fully aware of what you're doing to your body, and your health, and the way it's going to make you feel, and yet be powerless to stop yourself.. I don't know that there's any worse feeling out there. You hate yourself with every bite, and yet you keep on eating.

It's the hardest struggle i've ever faced in my life, but i think i may be winning. Two years ago, the boyfriend started CrossFit, and began to try to eat a paleo diet. I resisted, i mocked, and cooked separate meals. About a year ago, i gave in, and started joining him for meals, keeping breads and grains out of the house, and cutting back on the sugar. I thought that I was doing him a favor. I never realized i'd be saving myself in the process.

I started cutting back on starches. It was gradual, so i never really realized it at the time, but the more i cut back on starches, the fewer nights i spent with my head in an ice cream carton. As i began to cut out other sugars, i spent fewer nights hating myself because i couldn't stay out of the pantry. It wasn't until a miracle happened that i even realized what happened. Thanksgiving came. I said no to pie.

It wasn't because i was trying to watch what i ate, or trying to deprive myself of something. I wasn't even paying attention, the pie came around, and without even thinking, i passed on it. I wasn't interested.


The more i think about the way that the last year has gone, the more i see exactly what was happening. Hind sight is 20/20 after all...

I was a slave to sugar. I didn't binge eat because i was weak, or stupid, or any of the million other hurtful things i told myself. I binge ate, because I'm an addict, and i was going through withdrawal. I ate things i don't even like, because i was physically experiencing sugar withdrawal, and my body didn't know how to cope. I'd been using starches and sugars as my body's energy source for so long, that it didn't know how to use anything else. When i would diet, and sugar levels ran low, my body would panic. That panic would cause me to eat anything i could get my hands on, in quantities that would amaze you. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't starving. I wasn't going to die. But, I also wasn't stupid, or weak. I was battling my own body for control.

It's taken me a year to do it, but i have finally taken control of my body. It's been one of the toughest fights I've ever fought, but i think i may be winning. The next step, take back control of my life.

I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mrs. Rosemary and Sage Stuffing.

As a complete side note, mostly for my own use... One of my favorite holidays is thanksgiving. I think it's the gluttony. I LOVE stuffing, dressing, whatever you want to call that bready stuff you cram in the turkey's ass, then pull back out and slather in gravy. Because i'm making an effort to avoid grains, i started looking around for different recipes so that i could attempt a paleo friendly stuffing. I found tons of recipes that had no bread-like objects at all, which defeats the purpose entirely. I found a half dozen or so more recipes that involved a huge list of ingredients, most of which i either have never used, never heard of, or once bought for use in stuffing, would go to waste because i'd never use them again. Then i hit on this one: Rosemary Sage Stuffing


It doesn't take a whole lot of extra stuff. The ingredients list is fairly short. The only thing i didnt already have at home were the eggs (i ate them all, omelette's are tasty). The bread was fairly quick to mix up. I tossed it in the oven, and my house smelled like heaven for hours. Then, the moment of truth.

It looks like bread. It tastes like bread. It feels like bread. Therefore, it's a duck. (it doesnt float, nor is it made of wood, but work with me here...)

It's bread. Chopped up, mixed with sauteed onions, garlic, celery, carrots, and some sausage, drowned in chicken broth, and baked, and it makes a stuffing I'd be willing to marry.

Not only did it save my thanksgiving when covered in gravy, it's been my breakfast for the last week. The leftover stuffing went into a baking dish, i drowned it in more eggs, baked it and made a stuffing strata. I'm still drooling thinking about it.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen... sort of.

It's been almost 6 months since my last post here. I could claim that my life's just been so crazy, and hectic, and chaotic, that i couldnt possibly have found time. I would be a liar, liar, pants on fire.

I'm a quitter, by nature. Not necessarily because i don't actually want to do things, but more because when i take time off from things, i lack the motivation to pick them back up again. Sure, there was tons of stuff going on, and it made it more difficult to get started again, but the main issue was motivation.

Here's what my last 6 months looked like:

-A couple of new projects at work. My workload increased, and i had to start actually working at work, instead of blogging at work. Shocking, i know.
-Nice weather. I spend as much time as possible at a little cabin in the middle of nowhere. No phone, no internet, no television. It's bliss. I could have blogged, but i would much rather have been there, sorry.
-A vacation that left me relaxed, energized, and feeling better about myself than i have in a long time. This particular vacation did the exact same thing for me last year. I'm thinking it's going to be an annual thing, if i can swing the cash for it.

Sure, there was a lot more going on, but those three are the most important. They all contributed significantly towards the bettering of my quality of life, and my enjoyment of life. Yes, even the whole "actually working at work" part. When i'm busy, i feel like i'm accomplishing something. When i accomplish things, i feel that i'm a more valuable part of my little work team. Sitting around playing solitaire all day may sound like fun, but it's hard to go home at the end of the day and feel like you actually accomplished something worthwhile, when you didnt actually accomplish anything.

That job, which i now enjoy more, comes with a disgusting commute. I spend 4 hours of my day, every day, just getting to and from work. The only reason that my daily commute hasnt sucked out my soul is that i take the train. It allows me to read books, sleep, browse the internet, and more recently, read other people's paleo blogs. I read a lot. For a while there, i was on a fiction kick, so i'd read a book or two a day, during the commute. I'm kind of over that for now, it goes in spurts. So i'm back to internet browsing, in between naps, and that brings me back to some of my more favorite paleo blogs. Reading about other people's paleo journeys sort of puts the fire back in me to write about my own. Thus, the lost motivation is found, and i'm back. For now.

Spring!!!

Spring is here!

That means walks outside with the dogs, yardwork (which is great exercise), and the beginning of fresh seasonal fruits and veggies!

Right now it also means rain by the bucketfull, flooding, and more gloomy days than sunny ones. It's hard not to let the clouds and the rain get me down, but I'm beginning to come out of the winter funk, and I can't wait for beautful weather!

One of the things i've really been struggling with lately is motivation. I should exercise, but i have a thousand other things i either would rather be doing, or that have more pressing deadlines. I should take the time to cook a good healthy paleo meal, but takeout is faster. I've fallen out of some of the healthier habits i had started to develop because I lost track of just how important they are, not only to my health, but to my quality of life.

I think i'm starting to find that motivation again. On the few days it has not rained, it's been hot and muggy. Upper 70's, lower 80's, and humid. That's unusual for this early in the year, and i guess my body isnt used to the warmer weather yet. Lets face it, it's got me sweating like a pig. I walk to the train in the mornings, and then from the train to work, and then the reverse again at the end of the day. I see all the other commuters in their power suits, and their skirts and spring or summer dresses, and they don't even look flushed. Meanwhile, i'm sure that I'm about to melt.

I would love to be able to wear a skirt for summer. Not only would it help keep me cool for the walking part of my commute, but skirts are fun. They're cute. They're summery. I just don't have the confidence to pull them off.

But... I could. If i get myself back on track, get back to the workouts and the healthy eating, i might just be able to get away with them by the time the worst of the summer heat hits. A good pair of legs is possible... or at least a better pair than i have now. That won't do anything to change the fact that those legs are whiter than a sheet of paper, and that no amount of tanning will change that. But, a good pair of nylons can fix it.

So, for now, that's my motivation. It was good enough to get me to push myself for that extra lap on the treadmill last night. Here's to hoping it'll keep me pushing until my goal's in sight!

Skirts in the summertime...

My enemy, the treadmill.

We own a treadmill. The boyfriend bought it maybe 8 years ago. He used it regularly for several years, and then quit exercising altogether. Now he's got crossfit, and works out there about 4 times a week. The treadmill lives in my sewing room, for lack of anywhere else to put it. Every once in a while i decide that i'm going to start exercising more, and i dust the old beast off, plug it in, and make the attempt.

I hate the treadmill. I hate running. I'm slow, i'm out of shape, and it makes my knees and feet ache afterwards. I pound away, huffing and puffing, with sweat pouring down my face and a cramp in my side. After a few days of that, i say "screw this" and i quit. It's been that way for years.

Yesterday, i was a bit restless. Bedtime came, and i wasnt tired. I've discovered, through my once a week workout at crossfit, that i always sleep great on nights i've worked out. I still get the same amount of sleep as i would on other nights, but i sleep more deeply. So, since i couldnt sleep last night, and it was raining sheeps and llamas (think cats and dogs, but bigger, and more of them, it was once heck of a storm), i decided to pull out the old treadmill and stumble along on it until i was tired.

Apparently, i'm in better shape than i used to be. I used to be able to walk at around 2.5 or 3.0, but if i tried to jog at 4.5 or 5.0, i'd manage maybe half a lap before i was red in the face and huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf. I turned the treadmill up to 5.0 last night, and jogged a whole mile without sweating at all. I could have kept going, quite happily, if i hadn't had to be in bed as soon as possible. After a hot shower, i was in bed, and asleep in no time.

I'm tempted to hit the treadmill again tonight, only earlier, to see if i can either go longer, or do that same mile faster. Apparently, the treadmill isnt nearly as awful when you can breathe. I'm not about to take up marathon running or anything. But, exercise is definitely a lot more fun, or at least less miserable, when you're in good enough shape that it doesnt practically kill you.

I may not have lost any weight on this stupid monkey diet yet, but i am noticing that i can do things now that i never could have done before. That's something at least.

Grr...

It's been a few days since my last post, partly because i've been a bit frustrated lately with this whole paleo thing. When the boyfriend started it about a year and a half ago, the weight just melted off of him. I've been at it for about 4 months, and haven't lost a single pound. I'm hitting crossfit at least once a week, sometimes twice. I'm walking about 10 miles a week in addition to the crossfit. All that exercise is a new thing, and a total change from the carb loaded sedentary life i'd been living before. But, i've seen no change in my weight since I started this whole paleo thing. I feel better, which definitely counts for something. People have said that it looks like i've lost weight. But the scale shows no change, and it's a very frustrating, and some times depressing thing. I've made some big changes in my life, and so far i havent see any measurable change.

The boyfriend spent forever telling me about how going paleo was going to change my world. He swore that anyone could do it, and that it would work for everyone. I'm not seeing that being the case. He's sure that there must be something i'm doing wrong. Probably there is. I cheat. Sometimes there aren't paleo options available for meals, if i'm dining at someone else's house. Sometimes cookies still call to me. But, i've put in way more hard work than the cheating should be able to undo.

I'm going to keep at it, never fear. I may not be thinner, but i do still feel better. I'm happier, less stressed, and that's not only due to the change in what i'm eating, and the increased exercise levels, but to the fact that the boyfriend and i are getting a chance to eat meals together again, and have our date night at the gym. Maybe it's the paleo, maybe its a placebo effect, but either way, it's worth the sacrifices i make to enjoy the benefits i do see.

The jury's still out on whether or not this is something i can and will stick with as a lifestyle. But, for now, it's not hurting anything, and it may just help me yet.

Paleo Mayo - Sort of...

I had the time last night to go ahead and cook up my meals for the next few days. I don't have a chance to cook every night, so i cook in advance and then just pack leftovers for lunch. The boyfriend wanted shrimp, and i had that yummy bacon butter sitting in the fridge, calling to me, and the grocery store had asparagus on sale. So, i decided to toss the shrimp and the asparagus in a pan, along with a heaping spoonful of that bacon butter, and sautee it.

Delicious. Really. Even the boyfriend say "yeah, it's not bad". For a guy who's new to seafood, and still not real sure about it, that's high praise indeed.

Also on the agenda for the night was an attempt at paleo mayo. I had a craving for tuna salad. I was never a real big meat eater, so now that i'm eating meat at every meal, the same old beef and chicken is getting old. I wanted to shake things up a bit, and go with seafood for a while. Since i'm trying to stay paleo, a tuna salad sandwich was out of the question. But, I could make the tuna salad and then eat it on cucumber slices (instead of on crackers, which i had see in a cracker ad in the groucery coupon flyer). The only problem was that i didnt have any mayo.

I've never been a real big mayo fan. I was raised on Miracle Whip, not mayo. But, i eat ate my sandwiches dry, no condiments, so i never kept it in the house unless i knew i was making tuna salad (and even then, i'd use it once, and it would sit in the fridge until the expiration date). So, I decided to try my hand at making paleo mayo. I followed the instructions in Dr. Cordain's paleo cookbook (i forget the name right now). I did some extra reading online, and saw that you need to add the oil very slowly, because if you add it too fast , it wont emulsify.

I followed the instructions. I added the ingredients. I used the blender like it says in the book. I added the oil agonizingly slowly. I made a mess all over my countertop. In the end, all i had was a soupy mess that was bright yellow and definitely not mayonnaise, and a broken blender. Apparently, if you're in the habit of running the blender blades through the dishwasher, and then someone accidentally puts them away wet, and you have iron rich hard water like i do, the part of the blade that spins is eventually going to rust. When it rusts, and then you attempt to use the blender as much as i do, it rubs, the friction causes it to smoke, and eventually it builds up so much heat that things start melting.

So, no mayo, no tuna salad, and now it's time to go blender shopping. On a side note, i mentioned the mayo failure to a friend who's also trying to go paleo. She said she'd had the same soupy mess, and killed her blender in the process as well. Sounds like i'm going to be on the hunt for a commercially available paleo mayo. Any recommendations?

You had me at bacon butter...

I try to read Mark's Daily Apple most days. A while back, i saw a post that i just had to try. It's instructions on making your own homemade cultured butter. Apparently cultured butter is WAY better than the regular stuff, and homemade is better than regular.

I remember making homemade butter as a kid. We'd pour heavy cream into a mason jar, and then shake it until it formed butter. I figured, hey, i can do that again. Then i read the article further, and saw that Mark recommends adding flavors to your butter. He goes on to specifically mention bacon butter as an option. Now that, i've got to try.

If you're following along at home, you can find the original entry with instructions here

Here's how it all went down....

Mark says we can use either cultured cream, or creme fraiche. If we can't find creme fraiche, we can make it at home. I can't find it, so i follow the instructions to make it. It's 2 cups of heavy whipping cream, and 4 tablespoons of cultured buttermilk. Then, you let them sit out at room temperature for betwen 8 and 24 hours. I plan ahead, but then forget about it, so mine sits out for 25 hours. According to Mark, after some time the cream will get really thick. I take this to mean it'll get universally thick. Instead, i get a thick crust along the top about the same consistency of marshmallow fluff. It's still cream underneath.

I'm a little concerned that i've botched it already. But, i boldly plunge on with the experiment. Step two: Whip it. Whip it real good. Mark says we can put it in a jar and shake it, or run it through a food processor. Ambitious as ever, i decide to shake it. But, i've still got to chop the bacon to add later. So i toss the bacon in the mini-chopper (brilliant things, everyone should have one).

At this point, i notice that it's a bit later at night than i thought it was. I decide that it'll take way too long to make a whole batch by hand. I decide to use the processor. But i don't want to get out the big processor, i'm going to just toss the creme fraiche in the mini chopper with the bacon. So, in goes the bowl of cream and chunks of more cream. (i should note that Mark says the bacon goes in at the end, but it's late, and i'm too excited about bacon butter to read the instructions carefully). Then, i'm supposed to process for about 3 minutes, until the cream starts to thicken into butter, and seperate from the buttermilk. I'm making a half batch, so it doesnt take me 3 minutes. It takes about 30 seconds.

I pour out the buttermilk, process some more, and then when i've poured off all the buttermilk i can, i scrape the bacon buttery goodness into the bowl.

Next step, add some cold water, which won't mix with the butter, it'll stay seperated and help rinse out the last of the buttermilk. This is the point where i realize i've bungled it again. I'm rinsing away precious bacon crumblies. That's sacrilege. Really.

After several more rinses, i called it done, transferred it to a jar, and it was ready for the fridge.

It's beautiful, isnt it? I havent tasted it yet. I'll be sure to let you all know how it tastes... It better be good. It's bacon and butter, how can it be bad?

I have the best mother ever...

Over the weekend, we threw a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother. For several days leading up to the party, the siblings and i were convinced she knew something was up. She kept making comments about how nice it would be to see the sister who was secretly coming in from out of town, if only the sister would come home sometime. She booked a hair appointment for the morning of the party. She blithely accepted all of our evasions and sudden changes of plans. We've never been able to tell lies she hasnt seen right through.

Turns out, we were wrong. She had no idea, was definitely surprised, and then cried in front of the whole restaurant. We did good.

Having the whole family together is just about one of the best feelings in the whole world. Adding in close friends, and tons of other people who all love and appreciate how awesome my mom is, only adds icing to the cake.

There was cake. Cake isnt paleo. But i ate it anyway. My mother only turns 60 once, at least until next year, when she intends to do it again.

Oh sugar, how i love thee..

This is the point where i stand up and say "Hi, my name is RC, and i'm a sugar addict".

Yes that's right. An addict.

I used to call it a sweet tooth. The more i read about sugar and it's effect on the body, the more i realize that i don't have a sweet tooth, i have an addiction. One of the hardest things for me about going paleo has been giving up processed sugars. I don't have a problem going grain free. There's been some initial stomach irritation, which is to be expected anytime you go from eating a diet that's 80% grain (yep, i'm guilty), to 0%. But the sugar withdrawal is killing me.

I get cranky, i get headaches, and i get CRAVINGS. The sugar issue is the one problem that's always derailed my best dieting intentions. It's the reason i havent been able to stick to almost every other diet i've tried. The more i start to read about sugar, and it's affect on the body, the more i start to realize why i'm having a problem.

Because i eat as much sugar and refined carbs as i do, i've pretty much rendered my body incapable of regulating itself when it comes to blood sugar and insulin levels. I'm not diabetic, but they way i've been eating, i think that's probably only because it doesnt run in my family. I just lucked out with good genes. Because my body has been relying on outside sources of sugars, it doesnt know what to do or how to react when i suddenly deprive it of those things. The blood sugar gets low, and instead of the body reacting normally, as it should, it goes "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE. GIVE ME SUGAR NOW!!!!". Sorry for the all capitals there, but i'm not exaggerating. The sugar cravings are intense. And, like a spoiled child, when i don't give my body the sugar it wants, it throws a temper tantrum. Killer headaches, irritation, low energy levels, you name it. At some point, i always give in. That "giving in" always takes the form of some awful but delicious sugary bready substance. It provides the immediate short term energy and sugar boost i crave, but does me no favors in the long run.

I can go without the grain. I can go without the seeds. I can go without the beans, vegetable oils, and the dairy. Where i'm really going to struggle is with getting rid of my body's dependency on processed sugars.

Date night at Crossfit

It was date night for us last night. I left work, took the train to the station nearest our crossfit, and the boyfriend picked me up there.

I'm not a fan of working out. I am a fan of anything that lets the boyfriend and i spend more time together. We had time in the car to catch up on what's been going on since we last saw each other a few days before. We got to crossfit, got our workout in, and then afterwards, we went out to dinner.

The boyfriend is always hungry after a workout. Not just hungry, but ravenous. It's a half hour drive home, and sometimes he just can't wait that long for dinner. On days like that, he takes me for dinner at a steak place we like on the way home. We have a lovely, paleo friendly dinner, and that gives us even more time to talk, without the added distraction of the dogs, the television, the laundry, the dishes, etc.

Before our weekly date night, we weren't communicating well. Sure, there were emails and text messages, and phone calls aplenty. But i think we can all agree that those arent the same as a good solid face to face conversation. Getting the boyfriend to sit down at home and have a half hour conversation about anything was always tough. There were just too many other things that needed to be done, and they provided a huge distraction. Now, between the time we spend in the car to and from crossfit, and the occasional dinner out, some weeks we get several hours of quality time. For us, that's a pretty big deal.

Date night is the reason i started crossfit. I had no desire to go to the gym. I had every desire to spend a little more time with the boyfriend. It's only one night a week, but it's a start.

How I became a crossfit widow....

The boyfriend and I work opposite shifts. That means that we only have one night a week, maybe two, where we're both home and awake at the same time, for a couple of hours. The rest of the time, we communicate through emails, text messages, and the occasional phone call. It sucks. A lot.

When the boyfriend started hitting cross fit on his nights off, it meant that instead of having 3 or 4 hours a week with him, I had 1 or 2. There was a little bit of a resentment on my part for that, and whole lot of frustration on both our parts. But, cross fit is working for him. He's happier, healthier, and less stressed out. The time I do have with him is a lot more fun. Eventually I got fed up with the whole "ships passing in the night" routine, and decided that something had to change. Our work schedules are fixed, cant change those. I'm not about to ask him to give up cross fit, because when he's happier and healthier, we both win. That really only left me one option...

If you can't beat them, join them... And that began my journey into cross fit, and the paleo lifestyle.

The dreaded intro post....

I'll try to make a long story short. This is just an intro post after all. Besides, i have a confession to make...

My boyfriend was right about something. Maybe. Possibly. But only one thing, and i'll never admit it to him in person.


I have this boyfriend. We live in blissful cohabitation, most of the time. After a few years of that blissful cohabitation, we got lazy, and put on a few pounds. I tried a bunch of strange diets, spent weeks convincing myself that i LOVED the treadmill in our front bedroom, and failed miserably at both. The boyfriend eventually got fed up of being fed up, stressed out (his job is crazy), and out of shape. He did a bunch of research, found a diet plan he could live with (and he swears its not a diet), and found a gym he enjoyed. He buckled down, set to making those changes with a vengeance, and a year and a half later is 60 pounds lighter, less stressed, happier, and a whole heck of a lot more pleasant to live with.

Why is this bad? Well, turns out that the diet he picked, The Paleo Diet, is pretty similar to what he'd been doing before. Only, better. And his new gym, Crossfit, is right up his alley, and incorporates the paleo lifestyle as well. He started out with noticeable changes right off the bat, and was instantly converted. Being excited about all this, he decided that he wanted to convert the rest of the world. Including me.

I don't want to say that he got preachy about it, because i know that he meant well, and wanted other people to join in the excitement. However, i don't deal well with "preachy". I'm stubborn to the core, and preachy tends to make me dig in and resist things just on principle. You bet your sweet buttons i resisted this one. I'm sensitive about my weight and eating habits enough already. His "helpful suggestions" weren't well received.

A year and a half later, he's still eating paleo, hitting crossfit as often as possible, and looks better than he did when we met (and he was HOT then!). He's happier, so i'm happier. He's managed to stick with the plan, and is definitely a success story. I'm happy for him. Really.

There's this saying... If you can't beat them, join them. So i did.